Elegy

I had not come so far to say goodbye,

The last hello too long ago for that.

I’d come instead to do my duty,

To show sympathy for others’ loss –

Empathy too much to ask.

So I was surprised by the sense of sadness

That settled on me as I sat,

And listened to the memories from others’ past.

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Surprised as well when it came my time to speak,

That I could find my words but not my voice,

Which lay trapped within a tightened throat,

Nothing but a broken whisper breaking loose

From the weight of emotions I had not suspected

Lay hidden just below the surface –

Until they found their outlet in my eyes,

And my indifference washed away as I cried.

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I cried for the past because it had passed.

I cried for the child I had outgrown –

For the loss of joy and wonder and naiveté.

I cried for the things I had and had not done.

I cried from the pain of losses yet to come,

And for the friendships I left fallow.

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I know I was not alone in my surprise;

Others, too, knew only the hardened façade

That fenced feelings in and others out.

For too long the mirror was my only reflection,

So I suppose I should not be so surprised

I had to travel this far to say goodbye to myself.